An open letter...

Dearest Helen Mirren,

Can I call you dearest? If I'm not worthy to do so, please accept my humblest apologies. This letter is an open request to have your inifinite wisdom bestowed unto me. Though I may not be as righteously awesome as you, I implore you: please, please, tell me how you were able to maintain your incredible hotness.


All my devotion,


Allison P. B., esq.

Leave me alone, will you?!

It's only 1:45 PM and already today I've gotten 2 phone calls from charity organizations asking for money, and 1 phone call and 2 letters from credit card companies asking me to be their customer and subsequently go bankrupt.

Oh, and I also got 2 wrong number calls. What the hell?

Can one of my nearest and dearest please tell me when exactly did I walk around with my phone number in bright flashing lights above my head for all to see? Because I simply do not remember.

Cute Commercial Alert!

This commercial is ADORABLE with a capital everything (obviously):

Cute cute cutecutecute! I can't even stand it. That little girl, oh my goodness. I just want to eat her up. But not for serious. That's a little not-cool something we like to call cannibalism.

Ruining my faith in humanity.

So I turn on the TV and start flipping through the guide. There's nothing on so I just leave it on the channel that it was on already, and the most horrifying show was on. A reality show, of course. I (regrettably) give you, Wipeout:



Basically, a bunch of 'ordinary people' kill themselves through crazy impossible obstacle courses to try to win $50,000. And all the while, these two fools up here comment heckle/mock/insult them.

In the 10 minutes I was watching, they made stupid comments about contestants' weight, age, and anything else that's not so un-PC that they would actually get yelled at. But they're not blameless in this; of course they say whatever is written for them and subsequently approved by the producers. Which is only one of the reasons why the business side of the television industry disgusts me. And why do the producers think that this is what people want to see on their televisions? Because people are stupid enough to watch this crap and give them ratings. People are stupid enough to ENJOY that crap. It's the same reason why the majority of the auditions that are aired on competition shows are idiots making fools of themselves, who have obviously only been let through to perform for the judges because they are god-awful.

This Wipeout show though, is the cream of the crop (or at least the cream of the crop that I've witnessed)...I don't know, because something about the fact that the commentators explicitly mocked things like body size and age really really urked me. And thus, prompted me to write this blog post.

The end!

I found a surprise in my box!

Haaaahaha, get you with that title?

So I opened the box of CORN POPS (ya perv) that my mom brought me when she came to visit, and lo and behold, guess what I found???


A SURPRISE!!! And it lights up and everything!

I didn't even know they did that anymore! Last I heard, they do this thing now where you send in for something, but this was actually in there, wrapped in plastic, like a Happy Meal toy! I don't know why it made me so happy.

PS (but not really)- Did you know that Corn Pops are different up here in Northern North America? Yeah, they're round little balls with the texture of those puffy cheetos (not the small, gnarled-finger-type ones)...the ones from the States are so much better!

Anyway, this leads me to talk about the new Indiana Jones movie. I am a fan of action movies, but I have never watched an Indiana Jones movie. Is that bad? I've been to the show in Orlando twice, that was pretty cool. And I do like Sean Connery. Or do I just like the charicature of him? Those SNL Jeopardy skits are amazingly funny. Hm...anyway, he seems like a classy old dude, and he has a cool voice. I kind of have a thing for classy old dudes (not in a sex way, ew!), like Ian McKellen (or should I say, Sir) and Patrick Stewart. I don't know why...maybe because I like grandfatherly-types. And I love the sound of deep british accents...they're comforting for some reason. Oh! Plus, Ian McKellen's gay, and I love gay old people. Rock on!

See? He's so cute!

ANYWAY! Got a bit off track there...

Yes, Indiana Jones. So I do want to see the movie, simply because it does look pretty cool. AND Cate Blanchett looks like she's gonna be awesome in it. But I don't really have any desire to see the others. Call me inconsistent! I don't care.

"I'll take 'Anal Bum Cover' for 7,000."

My Cat is the Cutest Thing Ever/I'm a Giant Lesbian, Part 1 of Infinity

I introduce to you, Bailey:

You will undoubtedly hear about her often, hence the title. I just took the picture above. Wedged behind a bookcase, sleeping on the radiator. This is one of the many reasons I love cats. They are utterly hilarious. And adorable!

Oh, Bailey...how I love you.

and the journey begins...

Well, this is my first foray into blogging, though I used to keep a livejournal. It still exists, I just haven't written in it for like, 3 years. I think it joins all the other abandoned LJs in this age of Facebook and MySpace. LJ is so 2004, you know? I tried to keep it up, but I just ended up posting something random every few months until it finally bit the dust and Facebook officially took over.

So my title is a reference to the wonderfully talented, side-splittingly funny comedienne, Liz Feldman. Seriously, she is THE shit of shits. You can catch her on http://www.afterellen.com/ in a few vlogs (or podcasts, as we like to call them)...she's guested on Brunch With Bridget and We're Getting Nowhere. AND! Starting tomorrow, she will have her very own vlog! Emily and I are very excited about this, because we less-than-three her! I don't know what it's gonna be all about, but I do not care one smidge because it is her and anything she does will be amazing.

I'll probably be talking about AfterEllen a lot on this thing, because I read it every day and love it so much. Also, because I am a Giant Dyke (that is an official title...I'm also an Upper Level Lesbian, but I'm not allowed to talk about that...top secret, ya know). But on the serious, it is so god damn great. A whole website dedicated to lesbian entertainment. It's my favorite thing ever. I would bow to Sarah Warn (AE's creator and mastermind) and kiss her feet if I ever met her. That reminds me, I still need to order my "I Heart Sarah Warn" tshirt...